October 15th-Pregnancy Loss and Remembrance Day

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

In April of 2009 I had a miscarriage. It was a horrible experience. When I look back upon that time, I see darkness. I went into a horrible depression that I literally had to claw my way out of. It wasn't until seven months after my miscarriage that I started to feel better.

Unless you have had a miscarriage, you don't know the horrible gut-wrenching feeling that one gets when they hear the news that they are going to miscarry. I won't even pretend to understand what it feels like to have a baby be born still. I came very, very close to it and I prepared myself for it and met many women who had experienced it, but I still will never tell a women who has had a second or third trimester loss that I know how they feel. I am still in contact with some of these women, and they will continue to live their lives with a hole in their heart.

If you've never had a loss before, I am writing this post for you. If you know someone who has miscarried or had a stillborn, and you most likely do, since 25% of women have suffered this, I am writing this post for you.

It took me seven months to begin to feel better again, and the biggest obstacle in my recovery was how I was treated by those whom I knew. I won't go into details here, as it isn't appropriate in that people that I know in real life do read this blog. I will make some generalizations and mention things that have happened to me or to those I know.

I will be discussing miscarriage, and not infant loss, as that is a different story and again, I will not pretend to know what that feels like.

I think that inherently people mean well. I believe that people are good, and those around me care about me. I think that people, for the most part, try to do the right thing, but unfortunately, just don't know what to do.

Miscarriage is taboo. Unless the loss is later, people who miscarry generally don't get sympathy cards. The loss is largely ignored. People either think that it will upset the person if they acknowledge the loss, or they are too embarrassed to acknowledge it. In my case, I would have loved it if people would have acknowledged it. It was very difficult for me to pretend like nothing had happened. I am an open book. I don't hide much. So when people that I knew didn't acknowledge it, I became sad, and I became angry.

When people discussed their children or their pregnancies, I felt ill. I missed my baby so badly. But how is it possible to love and miss a mass of cells? I mean, I didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl. I miscarried naturally and I didn't even need a procedure to help me. I was early in my pregnancy.

Believe me, when you learn that you are pregnant and you have been planning for this child your whole lifetime, you instantly fall in love with your baby. You have already planned what their room will look like, how you will labor with them, and you have daydreamed about how you will nurse them at night and rock them to sleep. I don't care if you only know you are pregnant for a few hours. The minute you know that you have created a child, you are forever changed. You are a mother. 

I wish that more people would have acknowledged it. I wish that if they saw me crying, they would have put their arms around me and told me that they were sorry. I wish that people would have understood that five months later, I was still hurting as much as I had been that first day.

The second thing that I want you to know is that someone who has miscarried will have trouble seeing pregnant women, especially those who are due at the same time that their baby was. There was a particular celebrity who was due at Christmas, just like my baby, and I couldn't bear to see her pregnant body on the tabloids. If you are pregnant when someone whom you know personally miscarries, please don't discuss things "baby" with them, unless they do first. If they want to discuss your pregnancy, they will. Please be mindful of rubbing your baby belly in front of them. I know that it feels so good, but when someone who has recently had an empty womb sees your act of love, it rips out their heart.

Someone who has miscarried will have trouble discussing baby things, attending baby showers or baby birthday parties. Sometimes they'll go and cry in the bathroom and put on an act as if they're okay. Or in my case, simply being at a baby shower would have caused me to cry loud tears, and I would have ruined the shower. I was invited to so many showers during that time, and I wasn't able to attend one until I was pregnant again. Most of the time I made an excuse, but there were a few instances where I told the truth. A friend I had was so utterly kind when I told her that I just couldn't attend and said that she completely understood. (The heart of this girl was so pure...She had never miscarried, so she didn't truly understand, but she had empathy, and I will always remember her kindness.)

If you don't know what to say, a simple "I'm sorry" will do. Really, that is the best thing. Well-meaning people often say things that hurt, such as "You don't want a special-needs child anyway. Something must have been wrong with it." I can't tell you how many times that was said to me. I loved my baby regardless of if there was something wrong with them. Don't tell them that "God knows what He's doing and did this for a reason." First, the person whom you are saying this to might not believe in God, and saying that might make them bitter, and second, no one wants to think of their baby being taken by God for a reason. Don't tell them that they'll get pregnant again. I wanted that particular baby. (Be especially mindful when saying this to women who needed help to conceive. I didn't, but many of my friends did, and getting pregnant again might not be a reality for them, and it might cost them another thousands and thousands of dollars). Many times people felt that I shouldn't be so sad because my miscarriage was early. I was told that if I had gotten pregnant years ago, I wouldn't even have officially known that I had actually been pregnant. So many people said this, and let me tell you, that made me so angry. It didn't matter...I had found out I was pregnant. And I certainly would have known that I was miscarrying-don't make me go into details for you! Also, I found out early because I was trying. I had waited 13 years to try for a baby until the time was perfect. I didn't miss my period for a few months and discover at the doctor's office that I was pregnant, but it doesn't make it any less of a loss because it was early. Please remember that home pregnancy tests are over 99% accurate. You do not need a doctor's test to tell you you are pregnant. In fact, the tests the doctors use are the same ones that you use at home, except for the blood test. Most women who miscarry, including me, have to go through a series of blood tests to make sure that their body is getting rid of the pregnancy properly, no matter how early. It is horrible.

Lastly, please recognize that when you miscarry, your body goes through the same hormonal changes as when you give birth. After I had Sweet B, I was extremely emotional, and I remember refusing to leave the town that she was born in, even when she was safe in the NICU. We went to the Ronald McDonald house and to a hotel, and it was only after a week that I was able to travel the hour to my home. The aftermath of my birth with her was very different than a normal birth and it was definitely more traumatic. The aftermath of my miscarriage felt the exact same. The same dropping of hormones and the same feeling of being on the verge of tears at any given moment. The only difference was that after I gave birth I had an actual baby. A small baby, but a baby. After my miscarriage, I had nothing. If the person who you know has had a miscarriage and they are acting like a raving lunatic, or an emotional basketcase, please remember that they are experiencing the same drop in hormones as a person who just gave birth.

In short, when you find out that someone has miscarried (and you will given the odds):
-acknowledge it
-talk about it with them if they want to
-don't expect them to discuss baby things or attend functions that will cause them pain
-acknowledge it when their due date comes around
-recognize that even though months and months have passed, they might still be in as much pain as they were in the day they found out that they had miscarried
-tell them that you are sorry, and skip the well-meaning cliches
-remember that the fact that they are emotionally unstable is based on something physical that is happening to them



Am I "over it" now? Yes. I never thought that I would heal completely from my miscarriage, but I have.

A few months after my miscarriage while at work, a sweet co-worker noticed that I was down. (I was more than down that day actually. I was an emotional mess). They called me into their classroom and told me about the miscarriages they had faced. They told me that if they didn't miscarry those babies, that they wouldn't have the children they do now. And they couldn't imagine having any other children than the ones they have now. I hoped with all of my heart that this would be true for me. This simple act of kindness gave me hope that I could hang onto for a long time.

And you know what? They were right.

If I had had my first baby, I wouldn't have Sweet B. It would be impossible. She was conceived in the month that I would have had this baby.

My heart no longer yearns for that baby. I know that our first baby is in heaven and is with God. He/she is in a place far better than this.

Am I still hurt by how my miscarriage went largely unacknowledged? Yes. I think the hurt will always be there. Now I am passionate about making miscarriage no longer a taboo, just as I'm passionate about putting ourselves out there and if we are hurting for some reason, to let others know.

To my sweet friend Jamie who reads this blog: Many years ago you birthed a baby boy who was still. I wish that at the time I knew the right things to say and do. I didn't, and I didn't properly acknowledge it the way that I should have. I'm very sorry and I hope that you forgive me. Please know that your boy has made a large impression on my heart, and that when we were preparing for what was to happen to Sweet B, knowing that you had done it and survived gave me great strength.

To all of the babyloss mamas out there, whether you lost your baby when they were the size of a grain of sand, or the size of a full-grown baby, know that I am thinking of you and your sweet little ones on October 15th, and I will be lighting a candle for them. They will never be forgotten.