A Big Realization

Is this blog about me or Sweet B?

My original intention was that it be completely about her. Her achievements, struggles, pictures, and daily happenings would be posted here.

But as I started writing post after post, I began realizing that separating her life from my life is all but impossible. At this point in time, we are one. We are inseparable, and my personhood blends into hers and hers into mine.

It is no secret to my close friends and a some of my family members that the last two years of my life has left us feeling like we have fought a war. It has seemed like every time I fight a battle and I finally win, another one comes along. I can't and won't go into too much detail on this blog, but let's just say that many days are a struggle for me.

If my pregnancy with Sweet B hadn't gone bad, I would still be teaching. I would still have a huge mortgage and I know that I wouldn't be happy. I'm where I wanted to be but I just got here differently than I had planned. I had always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but I didn't picture that it would happen this way. But things are still hard. I believe they are getting better. I truly do. I see Sweet B blossoming into a beautiful little girl.

And as for God....Well, let's just say that it saddens me that my relationship with Him is not where I would like it to be. It's a combination of me being bitter over the difficulties I have faced in the last two years, and the letdown that I have felt with what I thought was to be my home church. I have to admit that my bitterness towards God angers me. He has done so much and blessed us beyond measure. I want that bitterness to go away.

Last night I was looking through my pictures to send to an organization which is going to feature Sweet B as one of their miracle babies. It was perhaps the most healing thing that I have done in a long time.

During my two-hour foray into my photo albums, I discovered these TRUTHS:

*The last two years really and truly have been a kick to the gut. Most people would feel emotionally worn out. Many times I am told that I am extremely strong. It's time for me to believe it and not feel so down on myself when I am feeling weak.


*My husband and myself have shown an incredible amount of strength. We have not fallen apart. Our relationship has grown even closer after almost fifteen years of marriage. We have stepped up to the plate, and risen above what life has thrown us. 


*Sweet B has proven herself to be a warrior. She is the strongest of us all, and amazingly, finds joy every single second of her life. 


* I'd never thought myself to be a strong person, but I am.


I'd like to put a few events of the last two years into pictures for you, and of course I will leave out things that I feel are not appropriate to share here.

We miscarried our first baby.

I lost my beloved aunt to cancer.

Our new pregnancy went horribly wrong at just six weeks with a massive hematoma.

I was told that my baby was going to die. I continued to carry her.

I prepared for my one pound baby to be born.

I prepared for the birth with months and months of home bed rest at which time I had to stop teaching. I finished my pregnancy with six weeks of hospital bed rest, with a very poor prognosis.

My one pound eleven ounce baby was born.

I couldn't possibly travel the hour back home without my baby. We stayed at the Ronald McDonald House.

The NICU roller coaster began, with the threat of NEC, and having to go back on nasal cannula for  after weeks of no breathing help. (See her distended tummy?)

We brought home our three pound fourteen ounce baby, and we were terrified.

I pumped and pumped and pumped for five months, trying to nurse every single day. I finally stopped. (enough gallon freezer bags to fill two huge freezers).

We suffered weekly weigh-ins at our doctor's office, praying to prevent having to place the g-tube. We suffered through six hours a day of begging her to eat. Both of us are exhausted.

FIVE hospitalizations, totaling almost four weeks. NG tube placed first, and then finally, a g-tube surgically placed.

A doctor diagnosed her with extremely poor vision, gave her glasses, as well as sent us to a geneticist to see if she had a particular syndrome due to the small cyst on her eye. (after a month of waiting for this appointment, we found out that absolutely nothing was wrong).

We have to put down my beloved dog of almost eleven years due to a sudden illness. My heart breaks.

We have weekly therapies as well as homework for me at home.

Looking through those pictures reminded me that hey, I am strong! And you know what? If I'm tired and not a super-mom that day, then it is okay. I'm doing the best that I can do. My husband is doing his best. Sweet B is thriving and beautiful and happy and a gift straight from the hand of God.

So from now on, I promise to be a bit more gentle on myself.

Do you know what else I plan on doing? I'm going to do a picture montage of the wonderful things that have happened in the last two years. Because in reality, we were given the gift of a lifetime-a beautiful gift that I have seen many dear friends of mine lose.

We are very blessed. I realize this whole-heartedly.

But I also reserve the right to cry into my pillow once in a while :)