Spoke Too Quickly

I recently wrote about how well Sweet B was eating and how I just had to get her to drink from a straw and everything would be perfect.

*sigh*

Yesterday she stopped wanting to eat solids. She almost completely stopped. Then today, she really did completely stop. I have a hunch that her reflux is bothering her again. This morning I woke up to the sound of her choking on her vomit. She hasn't thrown up in about a week, so this left me surprised. Then I tried to feed her breakfast, and she wouldn't swallow her food. When she did, she would gag. Which caused her to throw up. I ended up just feeding her through her tube and giving up on the pureed stuff.

Then she threw up after lunch, as well as with dinner. At dinner, she was back to doing the "I'm going to squeeze my lips together as tight as I can so you can't put anything in my mouth" thing that we have been battling for months.

I guess the two weeks of her eating well had to come to an end. I am very discouraged right now. I wish that I could accurately convey just how hard it is to watch this happen in your child. Something so basic to life-eating-should just happen. For Sweet B, it doesn't. She has that nasty reflux that burns her throat and makes her not want to eat. Then I'm sure even when her throat feels better, she still doesn't want to eat because she remembers what it feels like. I'm also pretty darn positive that sometimes she isn't in pain, but just doesn't want to eat.

There is a balancing act that I face. Of course I could just feed her through her tube and forget about the purees, but then I am just being irresponsible. She needs practice with the purees. I could also just not spend fifteen minutes before each meal teaching her to drink from the straw. But again, that would be irresponsible of me. She needs to learn to eat. She also needs to associate taking food in her mouth, with feeling full. If I just tube-feed her without giving her food first, she won't associate hunger with needing to eat.

I have been told that the process of getting your child to eat in a situation like mine, requires tons of patience because it takes so long. Most days I have that patience and I am able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. In my mom's group on Friday, I spoke of her feeding issues as if they weren't a big deal and really, that is how I felt at that moment. Today, I feel crushed under the weight of its presence. This saddens me as I feel like I had a two week reprieve from the food refusal and vomit-fest, and it did me good.

We went shopping tonight, and on the way home my sweet hubby commented on how long each meal takes and how tiring it is. We usually don't talk about it like that, but I had to agree. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to give her a sippy cup to drink and finger foods to eat, and watch her eat them. What? You give your child food and they actually eat it? Willingly?!

I realize I haven't published the post yet about her eating problems and how they came about, but I will say this for now: Making the food taste better or doing "this" or "that" is not going to change this. She is going to require lots of feeding therapy, which right now we don't have due to switching insurance coverage. And I wish that putting sugar in her formula or giving her homemade baby food would fix it. But it won't. It is a very complex issue rooted in the fact that she feels pain from reflux, and this affects her desire to eat. Her oral aversion is something that is going to take quite some time to get over.

So how do I feel today? Tired. And some other emotions that I won't convey here. I feel like we have gone back ten steps. But I have to remember that in the NICU they told us that she will take three steps forward and then two steps back. This is how her eating is going to be, I am sure.

I don't have the energy to clean my house or go grocery shopping, but I pray that tomorrow is better than the last few days have been.

Because I am feeling so run down emotionally and physically, I think it is important to look at the miracles that God has done.

Sweet B is rolling over. A lot. (The minute I put her on her tummy, she rolls over. Stinker!)

Sweet B is babbling up a storm.

Sweet B cracks up whenever her daddy is feeding her and she looks at me. Something about me makes her laugh uncontrollably. It is adorable.

Sweet B loves being cuddled.

Sweet B is so silly and has such a sense of humor. She smirks at me and then laughs when I smirk back at her.

Sweet B has such a sweet temperament. She only cries when she sees a stranger or is really hungry. (Yeah, she does cry for the hunger thing, surprisingly). She is always happy and I can take her to restaurants where she will entertain herself forever.

Sweet B is smart. Her teacher said so.

Sweet B is rolling and moving and is doing better with her sitting.

Sweet B is beautiful. I mean, just look at her.

Sweet B loves me. She loves snuggling close to me and when I hold her near my chest in her baby carrier, she goes right to sleep.

Sweet B is alive.

Yes, this very hard, but this little girl is so worth it.