Oh boy...It's been a hard few days...But then again, since January, it seems that most days are "hard." I do plan to enlighten you with a few posts regarding this. In fact, I'm working on it right now, but until then, you'll just have to take my word on it.
Yesterday, we went to get an ultrasound on Sweet B's bladder, and they did find a gallstone. It looked large and very concerning. I expected it. I don't know what this will entail-if they will leave it and watch it, or if they will surgically remove it. Either way is scary. They could be dangerous and cause bad things, and surgery again is just plain scary, especially since she has a g-tube, so would most likely need the open surgery to remove the gallbladder.
What was a little funny was that the sonographer did not tell me about the gallstone. I saw it and I told her that I saw it. I have become way too good at reading ultrasounds. Let's face it...I met with that horrid machine on a weekly basis during my pregnancy and I'm all too familiar with the intricacies of measuring things. Anyway, I told her that I saw it and she said that she wasn't supposed to tell me and that it was the doctor's job, but yes, it was one.
My research has shown that this is very rare in babies. Preemies who are on TPN (total parenteral nutrition which is nutrition through the blood) for long periods of time have been known to get gallstones. Sweet B was only on TPN for four days or so when she was born. It is also something that children with cystic fibrosis get, but Sweet B does not have any symptoms of that horrible disease. If it blocks a certain area of the gallbladder then it can become dangerous and painful, and we will have to deal with it either now or later.
I really don't believe that she is feeling it though. I don't believe that her eating problems are associated with it. She is a very happy baby and rarely cries so nothing leads me to believe that she is in pain.
My prayer is that it is just unexplainable. I believe that most gallstones are. My husband said that the gallstone is my fault! I have all types of weird things happen to me, namely twelve wisdom teeth and chronic kidney stones ever since I was fourteen years-old. I pray that it isn't a big problem with her liver or a blood problem.
Yesterday after the appointment, I began my normal after-appointment obsessing and worrying, and my mind was so confused as to what to spend my time worrying about! It was a real dilemma for me...Her eating, her gallstone, dropping the bottle feeds, her physical therapy...I explained my dilemma to my husband who laughed. What I wouldn't give to have the mind of my husband!
Imagine having nothing really phase you-completely trusting that everything is going to be okay. I want to trust in God again, but to be honest, I just don't right now. And it makes me sad. Last week in church the pastor said that God doesn't pull away from us. When we don't feel close to Him, we are the ones doing the pulling away. It's really hard to believe that right now. I have lost a lot of trust.
Today a friend asked me if I was happy or if I was "knee-deep in it." I asked him if he wanted the truth. He nodded, and I said, "Knee-deep."
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