LET THEM LOOK

When I was first confronted with the choice of whether or not to give Sweet B a g-tube, I was very afraid. The idea of my baby eating through a hole in her stomach terrified me. When the tube was placed, it was extremely awkward in the beginning and I often wondered if I was ever going to get the hang of it. Well, I did, and I feel like a seasoned pro. (Except for her continuous feeding at night. I have no idea how to hook up the pump and the bag. My husband does it all. Shhh...don't tell anyone :)

At home I feel like I could do a tube-feed with my eyes shut. In public, well...that is a different story. My hands become sweaty and I drop things and constantly look around. I feel like we are in the spotlight.

Why is this, you ask? It's not that I am embarrassed about it. I'm not in the slightest. I don't want to offend anyone with her tube-feeding. I don't want to gross anyone out. I'm afraid that someone is going to come up to me and tell me that I need to do this elsewhere.

You see, I am easily grossed out. If the inside of the restaurant smells like fish, then my food will start to taste like fish, and I don't like fish at all, and then that's the end of my dinner. If an old person with really bad table manners sits at the table next to us and eats, I generally find a way to switch chairs with my husband so that he only has to see the old person with bad table manners eat. If I am in a movie theater and the person behind me is eating popcorn, all that I can hear is the crunch...crunch...crunch...and next thing you know I am embarrassing my husband by having us find new seats.

Yes, I am weird. And now you are probably afraid to eat around me for fear that I will be grossed out for some reason. Please don't.

Because I am easily grossed out, I assume that everyone else is. I assume that people will be angry that they are dropping twenty bucks on a meal that I am about to ruin.

We used to not tube-feed Sweet B in public at all. Then we took baby steps and started feeding her at the beach. We would still whip out a towel though and cover her up and look around hoping that no one would see what we were doing.

I must add that we do feed her orally in public, but she only eats a pinch here and a pinch there, so it really is only for the practice and not for nourishment.

I guess I'm stating the obvious here, but she's not so fond of oral eating. Even her oral eating is not a pretty sight.

At Disneyland a few weeks ago we went to the corner of a restaurant, put a blanket over her stroller, and tube-fed her that way. We also would pull off to the side of the park and try to find remote places to feed her. It was not always easy, particularly because if we feed her too fast it will come right back up.

This is what happens every time we go out in public: We first have to scope out a place to feed her that will be private enough. Then we go to the place, scrub antibacterial soap on our hands, hurriedly try to get the formula ready as well as her extensions, put her in her stroller, cover her up, and quickly give her her feed, as we look around trying to find out if anyone has caught on to what we are doing. Then we pray that it is not a barf-o-rama because we fed her to quickly.

Last week we went to share a dinner at the pier. It was a cold night and we were excited to be out. We walked into the restaurant and were hoping to get a corner table so that we could tube-feed her discreetly while her stroller was covered up. We didn't get a corner table so hubby took Sweet B outside in the wind and tube-fed her. Our dinner arrived early so I sat there and ate my half. Alone. I texted friends while I ate. I listened to the little boys at the next table laugh with their parents. I even watched one of the boys gag and spit some food out. I felt very lonely and angry. As I was eating hubby came up to the window by my table and looked through it, and I felt such sadness. Finally hubby brought Sweet B in and we put her in her high chair and let her play with stickers. Hubby finished his half.

All three of us had eaten at different times, yet we had paid for our meal and taken the time to get dressed and do all of the things that have to happen in order to get a toddler out for the night. Yet, none of us ate together or enjoyed our meal. How is that right?

That night left a deep impression on me, and something inside of me just clicked, and I decided that I wasn't going to let that happen anymore.

Last night we went to the mall. Hubby dropped us off while he went and did an errand, and I had to find a spot to feed Sweet B. I looked around for somewhere discreet, and then I thought, "To hell with this" and sat in an eating area. I texted my friend, and told her what I was about to do, and she said, "Let them look." So I did.

A few people walked by and looked, and I smiled, and they smiled back. Two teenagers came up with their Star.bucks and sat at the table next to ours. I thought, "This is it. They will roll their eyes and get grossed out." But they didn't. Sweet B waved at them and they waved at her and giggled when Sweet B smiled at them and played shy. They loved her. They probably wondered what in the world was wrong with her. Did she have cancer? Was she ill? But they were kind. And that is when I told myself that I was never again going to cover up how I feed my child.

This is how she eats.

She is beautiful and strong and eats through a hole in her stomach because severe reflux caused her to stop eating.

If anyone says anything, I still don't know what I will say, and it will make me angry. I might cry. But we can't eat separately anymore. If anyone is offended by it, then they should thank their lucky stars that their kid eats through their mouth. They can turn away. They don't have to watch.

Whenever I feed Sweet B around a person who hasn't seen it before, I always ask if they will be offended if I do it. I am SO NOT going to ask that question ever again. If they are offended, then they can kiss my a**.

This is how she eats.

I took this picture last week.

There is something about it that I just love. I think it shows her beauty and the fight that she has within her. It shows the beauty of her journey. Does that make any sense to you? I don't know a better way to describe it.

She is so beautiful. She captivates people and I can't count the number of times people have stopped us and told us just how beautiful she is. This happens on every trip out into public, multiple times. I think the pink glasses that she normally wears, initially gets her the attention.

And then they look into her eyes and can somehow see that she has a fighter's soul. I often want to giddily say, "Yes, she is beautiful and you don't even know her whole story!!! She was born at a pound and eleven ounces and she has a feeding tube in her tummy and I was told in my fifth month of pregnancy that she would surely die and she didn't and she has got the most beautiful spirit!" I never say that but I really, really want to.

So, in the words of my new friend...I will LET THEM LOOK. I will smile and most of them will smile back and she might just teach them a few lessons about life and the beauty of diversity.

I adore my little tubie.